It’s the day before Christmas and I’m in the biggest funk of my life.
Not only did Jamison wake up at 2am and decided to run sprints up and down my hallway for hours. Not only is one of my big merch packages late (thanks UPS). But because I feel like I should be doing more.
If you looked at my to do list your jaw would drop. You would look at me and be like “Jennifer, how do you think you’re going to do all of that before the year ends.” And I have no answer for you.
I go on social media and I see other entrepreneurs working late nights and early mornings and hustling to make their business run. I see others who have all their gifts wrapped and under the tree and they are taking family Christmas photos with their matching outfits. I see entrepreneurs that are traveling and living their best life “but still getting paid” and I’m over here in bed. Next to my 3.5 year old at 10:24am with no motivation to get up.
Is this my depression? Can’t be, I’m back on my meds.
Is this seasonal depression? Can’t be, this is why I got that fancy bright ass light.
Is this exhaustion? Might be. Maybe this is my body's way of telling me to slow down. But this is the worst time for it. I have things to do. Deadlines to meet. People to please.
And that my friends, is the light bulb. PEOPLE TO PLEASE.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. And want to make sure everyone else is taken care of and happy. But I can’t remember when I did this for myself. When was the last time I did something that truly made me happy? Well, I got a weave back in November and it made me feel pretty. Until my scalp was itching like CRAZY. I got Jamisons name tattooed on me until that started itching as well. Why do the things that make me happy always itch?!
But in all seriousness, I love my business and I love my customers. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to please everyone and I get pulled in so many different directions. I want to offer everything and anything you need for your little one, and your toddler and your big kid. I also want to be able to spend time with my own kids. I'm jealous of the mothers that don’t have a business to run and can devote 100% of their time to their kids and I’m also jealous of the entrepreneurs that don’t have kids that can devote 100% of their time to their business.
Is there a happy medium?
Am I doing enough for my family and my business, or am I doing just the bare minimum. What is considered enough? What is considered too much? What is considered too little?
Will my children resent me when they’re older for starting this business? Will my husband resent me for quitting my full time day job and taking a risk on myself. The only person I know who won’t be angry is my dog.
So here I am. Laying in bed next to my child who is waking up, and I have to put on my mom hat and feed him breakfast. And hope that today I do just enough.