This week I failed.
I failed as a mother.
And before you give me the whole "dont be so hard on yourself..." let me just sit here and tell you why I failed.
I am supposed to be telling / teaching you how to create better bonds and relationships with your child...and when I get the PERFECT opportunity to do just that, I ruin it.
Hubby took the kids and I down to hocking hills, which in Ohio is a well known place for camping. My kids were super excited, my husband was super excited....I was not entertained. I dont do camping, I dont do bugs, I dont do no cell service. I have watched enough scary movies in my time to know how this will end. But I went because a) we're in a pandemic and there is nothing else to do b) we're in a pandemic and there is nothing else to do.
We stayed in a cabin and it was tinier than my living room. For anyone who loves the outdoors than this would have been perfect for you...but since i'm not that girl then to me, it was HORRIBLE. We took the kids fishing by this pond at some point and all I kept thinking was "someone is going to fall in" or "omg this is where Jamison is going to drown" or my favorite thought was "Big foot is going to come out of nowhere and kidnap my children...this is the worst vacation ever".
Not once did I take a moment to look at my kids and see how excited they were to be spending time with mommy and daddy. Not once did I see the true joy in my sons eyes as he played with a row boat that was probably covered in Covid-19 so I gave him a thorough wipe down when we got back. None of that. In fact, I did the opposite. I started a fight with my husband about how I didn't want to be there, I yelled at my kids to stay in the cabin so they didn't get attacked by bugs, I complained that there was no WIFI and I couldn't check in on the business.
Everything I complained about, I did selfishly.
A week later when I ask my kids if they liked going camping and their favorite part of it. You know what they say? They say they loved going fishing, Jamison loved walking in the woods with mommy, Bexley loved making hot dogs with daddy and they loved playing in the water with the pots and pans outside of the cabin. It took me being a bad mommy for those 48 hours to realize that not only is creating these bonds crucial to my children's upbringing, but its crucial to me. They will have great memories of those 48 hours in Hocking Hills and I will have the memories of just my bad attitude.
So yes, let me feel this guilt. Let me feel like complete shit and like a bad mommy so that when we go camping again I remember how I felt last time and not make that mistake again. Its great to recognize when you mess up, but its better if you make an effort to not do it again. So i'm going to create a to do list on things I need to do DAILY with my kids to make sure i'm making the best of each day with them so I dont make the same mistake twice.
If you have ever felt how I felt, I encourage you to do this with me and lets check back in with each other in a few weeks to see if our relationships with our children has changed! And if you see me on social media, ask me how this is going...HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE!!!! I will not judge you!
Lets talk soon!