Why does society make women feel like we are only on this planet to make babies? Like, you get married and everyone is all “congratulations...now make some babies”. And I'm just like….wait, WHAT? You hardly hear “enjoy each other's company, pay off your debt, figure out what you want out of life THEN have a baby”. Those words were never spoken to me. EVER! I think if they were, I would have taken a second and actually did one of those things. But NOOOOO, after I got married I did what I thought I was supposed to do and tried to make a baby. Now here I am, 6 years of marriage and 2 kids later and people still ask “are you going to have more kids?”
Things I want to say:
LEAVE MY UTERUS AND VAGINA ALONE!!!!!
What I actually say:
Ha, that’s a good question….well see!
But let's be honest...because that is the only way I know how to be. It’s not an easy question to answer. Why, you ask? Well you know I’m about to drop some knowledge on you about my own previous pregnancies.
If you speak medically, I have had 4 previous pregnancies. One ended in a stillbirth, one was a missed pregnancy and the two that worked out are Bexley and Jamison. Just with that medical history alone I'm what they would consider high risk. Then you factor my age now and I'm practically almost an old lady or what they would call geriatric pregnancy. You also have to remember, I just got a new spine back in 2019, do I really wanna test out how strong these titanium rods are by having a baby? KINDA lol.
But I also have to factor in how much I HATED being pregnant. Did you know that when I am pregnant I get this excess saliva and I have to spit into a bottle so people think I'm chewing tobacco? Yea, it happened all day and ALL NIGHT. Super disgusting. I also lost feeling in my arms and legs with both pregnancies (thanks kids) which prompted the surgery I had in 2019. On top of all of this, the whole not being able to eat in the first trimester cause my kids hate everything is a real turnoff. Yup, my kids were assholes and only let me eat one thing barely in the first trimester. Bexley wanted watermelon and Jamison wanted Tangerines. Do you know how hard my husband had to search for good fruit in January??? He still never lets me live that down.
So besides all those negatives...I HAVE MORE! You thought I was going to list something positive right here didn't you? Haha SIKE.
Bexley was an all natural baby...not on purpose. Like I went to the hospital and didn’t “feel right” and next thing you know I'm in stirrups and pushing like my life depended on it. But with Jamison I got that epidural and felt like I was on cloud nine. Until the recovery and I felt like I got hit by a truck in my back and it would make me nauseous and I would vomit. Everywhere. And did you know that the more kids you have, when you breastfeed in the hospital and your uterus contracts...it hurts more and more. Like with Bexley I was like “ouch that hurts” but with Jamison I vomited. Not on him, of course but it was yuck. It hurt soo bad it brought me back to the time I delivered Bexley naturally. I still have nightmares about that delivery. Other than the delivery and postpartum issues, I am loving that I am able to sleep through the night right now. Like why would I wanna ruin something good by having a new baby who needs me every 2 hours. Why would I torture myself like that. Then we also add in the engorged boob, hormone levels dropping, not feeling like myself and feeling like a huge cow...yeah kids are a blessing.
But here are some positives about kids. I love my kids. With all my heart. I love seeing them grow and seeing their personalities. I love being able to hang out with them and have “conversations”. I use quotes cause half the time I have no idea what Jamison says but it sounds good. I love the relationship they have together and I love when I pick Jamison up from daycare he gives me the biggest hug ever. And I loved snuggling with both of them and those “firsts”. And I think, if I had another baby, I could stay with them all day and just love on them and not have to be in a rush to go back to work because my business is my work now. And all the things I wanted to do with Jamison and Bexley when they were born and I couldn’t cause I had to go back to work...I can do with this next baby. Then my dumbass looks back at pictures of the kids and I'm like “OMG I NEED ANOTHER BABY”!!!
DO YOU SEE MY STRUGGLE NOW?
Part of me is saying “girl you hated being pregnant...don't be a victim and love your two kids” and the other side of me is like “ok one more wont hurt that bad...DO IT, DO IT, DO IT”.
But the one thing people ask when I give them my pros and cons about having a kid is…”Will you change the company name if you have a third?” NO. I will not change the company name if I have another kid. Beyoncé named her clothing line after her first born and had two kids after that. She didn’t change her company name...why would I?
But whether I decide to have another kid or live my best life with the two kids I have, that decision is ultimately up to my husband. Just kidding…..kind of.