I’m currently sitting outside of Starbucks holding back tears. Nothing physically bad happened but I woke up with this sense of overwhelming anxiety. Now y'all know me by now, I keep it all the real with you. I dont sugar coat anything and I always speak my truth.
I put so much pressure on myself that I forget to breathe. I’m a hypocrite. I tell other business owners to do things that I dont do myself. I always say “take care of yourself” or “you can serve from an empty cup”. My cup is so empty it’s crying for help. And that is exactly what I did today.
And if you’re anything like me, then once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried because I was having FOMO (fear of missing out) on things that haven’t even occurred yet. I cried because I want to provide my kids with all the things I never had as a child. I cried because my son is starting to stutter and I used to do that as a child and I dont want him to go through what I did.
I cried so hard my eyes are swollen.
So I called a friend and cried to her. Then I cried to my husband. Then I dropped off my kids at their grandparents house, went to a business meeting at 2 and now I’m sitting here. The wind is blowing my planner all around. It’s a good 71 degrees outside and I’m sitting in a flannel button up and skinny jeans.
Why do we let ourselves get so overwhelmed to the point where we breakdown in the middle of making lunch? Please tell me I’m not the only one. I so badly want to be the perfect mom, perfect wife, successful business owner and while trying to achieve all those things I forgot to breathe and grieve.
Yup you heard that right. Grieve.
Grieve the old me. Grieve the Jen I’m letting go of to achieve the Jen I want to become. Grieve the missed hot girl summer parties because I’m going to be busy doing a pop up shop. Grieve the Jen who worked corporate America and all she needed to do was show up and work for “the man” cause now this Jen is working for herself and as an entrepreneur you have no real days off.
If you are anything like me then you are shaking your head like “shit...I never realized that. Lemme go have a funeral for the old me.” And that’s what I’m going to be doing. I need to let go of the old me today and step into the new me 100% and not apologize for it. I need to learn to say “it’s ok go on without me “ I need to learn to say “my kids will still love me if I cant give them x.y.z” I need to learn to say that “there is nothing wrong with having a little stutter. I had it and I’ve overcome it. I can teach Jamison the same too.”
It’s amazing how much better I feel already just writing this down and getting it off my chest. I hope this blog helps you as much as it did me.