Let me tell you about a little secret…
I’ve gone back and forth on whether I wanted to do this. Once I put this out there, there is no turning back. My struggle is real, and I feel like thousands of women go through similar issues but it’s hardly talked about. The stigma about this is so ridiculous but the only way I can heal and relieve some of my anxiety is doing what I do best: Talking about it.
So, here I go.
We’re trying for baby # 3! Exciting, right?
Let me get some things out of the way before you even start asking:
- No, I am not changing the name of the business. I am going to tell the next kid the truth: “Mommy and daddy really thought we were done having kids. Sooo done that I made this business into an LLC and then one day I just said ‘I aint done’ and here you are. You will have 33.3% ownership of the business but it just won’t have your name on it.”
- Yes, I still hate being pregnant. If there were an affordable way to have a baby without me actually getting pregnant, I would. But there isn’t, so I am willing to take one for the team and be miserable for 35-40 weeks to have my baby.
- What does this mean for the company, the family, the dog? Nothing. Nothing is changing, we’re just adding one more child to love on and to make our family feel complete.
So in my head this process would be simple -
- Remove birth control
- Have menstrual cycle
- Have sex
- Get pregnant
But things are a lot different now than when I got pregnant with Jamison.
First thing that is different is my age! I am officially “geriatric”, (or a softer word is “maternal age”) and if I translate that into words that most of you can understand, it means I’m older and need additional testing once I get pregnant.
Second thing is: I had an IUD implanted in my uterus for 4 years. Four glorious years of no menstrual cycle. That also means 4 years of my body not doing what it naturally does, which is to have a cycle every 25-28 days. So pre-IUD, I would have a cycle every 28 days, and since removing my IUD it's been between 23-25 days. My periods are shorter than before and I’m not sure if it’s still adjusting to ‘regular life’ or if I’m going through menopause.
I didn't have that much of an issue getting pregnant with Jamison. I can even tell you the exact date I got pregnant, which was New Years Eve just like with his big sister. Prior to Bexley, I had a chemical pregnancy and a stillbirth so my anxiety was always on high alert, hoping both of my kids made it through. Then you have this: Wanting to get a positive pregnancy test so badly, but the last 3 months showing us nothing but negatives.
I feel bad for complaining. I know people that have been having fertility issues for months, years, even decades. And I have two very healthy children. I should be happy with that, right? But it still sucks to want something so bad only for me and my body to not be on the same page. I joke that maybe my body wants me to have a “hot girl summer” this year which is why I’m not pregnant. But to be honest, right now all I want is to have that positive pregnancy test so I know that this baby is coming.
So that it is. That is my secret. We are trying for baby #3 and so far it is not going the way I thought it would. Instead of me laying in bed crying from another negative test, I think what will work best for me and my anxiety is to talk about it. Maybe there is someone else out there like me that is feeling the same way I am and this may bring them comfort knowing that they are not alone.
I will be open and transparent about my whole process from start to finish. Every negative test, every pregnancy symptom, every doctor's visit..everything. I’ve never been this open about my pregnancies before so this experience will be one to remember for me. If you’d like to share any experiences from your journey or have any advice for me, I want to hear from you as well.
Feel free to follow along and I will try to post a new blog biweekly or monthly depending on how I’m feeling and be sure to follow me on social media to follow along as well.
I felt guilty for crying over negative tests for years between my two kiddos. I wanted another baby so bad and every time someone asked me when we were going to have another I just wanted to punch them. Then if I told anyone that we were trying I was told “don’t worry it will happen” more times then not. Or I was told “if it doesn’t happen, at least you have one, you should be happy”. It was infuriating. Every negative test brought more tears and more guilt. 4.5 years after my oldest was born I finally got a positive test. I have no idea how many test I took or how many times I cried because I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I wish you the best of luck!!!