The Negative Test
You don’t know how bad you want something until you’re told “no” month after month after month.
We’ve been trying since September to make this third baby and I just took another pregnancy test [Jan 20 @ 3:45am] and got another negative. I cant even cry anymore. It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to be negative. This isn’t my first “rodeo” and I had no signs or symptoms of pregnancy so why would it be positive?
- My sense of smell is intact.
- My breast feel normal.
- My taste buds are intact.
- No headache.
- Not nauseous.
- No lower back pain.
Ok I’m lying.
I’m crying now.
I am doing everything right and I feel like I have a whack ass uterus. Taking the prenatal vitamins. Trying “not to think about it” which is the dumbest thing to tell a lady who is actively trying to have a baby. How do we not think about it when we’re told to track our body temps, our ovulation, pee on strips 2 times a day leading up to ovulation, make sure you’re having sex at the RIGHT DATE AND TIME to increase your odds of fertility. But hey, try to relax and have fun!
It’s not fun anymore. The first two months, were fun. Exciting. Made me feel like I’m in my mid 20’s again. And now? It makes me feel more and more broken inside. Did I wait too long to finally decide to have another baby? Why isn’t my body cooperating? Should I even be having this 3rd child?
But I can’t let them [hubby & kids] see me upset. Mommy doesn’t get to have a mental breakdown. Mommy has to get Bexley & Jamison to school in the morning.
So for now, I’ll lay in my sons bed (since he and his sister are in my bed) and I’ll go back to sleep. And act like nothing happened when my alarm goes off in 3.5 hours.
The stages of grieving the child I never conceived.
Crying: That is always stage one for me. Crying uncontrollable to the point where snot comes out of my nose and I cant talk. When I feel like I’m hyperventilating and need to sit and catch my breath.
Anger: Endlessly scrolling social media and seeing friends share their pregnancy journey and confirming positive pregnancy tests to anonymous women posting in fb groups. Showing a strong front for them but deep in side I’m angry and my body for not doing what is has multiple times already.
Numbness: Have you ever watch the vampire diaries or the originals and they say “turn off your emotions” and you see the flicker in their eyes just turn off. This is what I do. I turn it off. No more crying. No more anger. I’m just a shell. A walking & talking shell.
Hopeful: I talk to friends and family and we set a game plan. They reassure me that I’m not broken. They assure me that my feelings are valid. They assure me that they are here for me. And they are. And I turn my emotions back on, and prepare for the next 24-25 days to see what I can do to get that positive pregnancy test.
What are my next steps
Trying for this next kid is taking a toll on me. Its distracting me from my day to day tasks like taking care of the kids that are right in front of me. I am not able to focus on my company because I dont know if that funny feeling in my belly is implantation or cramps so I'm googling what other mothers are feeling at this exact time in their "pregnancy". So I am taking this cycle to not track my ovulation. No peeing on strips. No feeling my boobs first thing in the morning to see if they are tender cause I'm pregnant. Cause at this point it is starting to look weird and my son is asking a lot of questions. Taking time to just...be. Meditate, practice mindfulness. Work on my anxiety and how to cope when I feel an attack coming on.
So am I giving up, HELL no. Am I still actively trying to get pregnant, HELL yea. Do I secretly want to go upstairs and see if I'm ovulating right now? DUH. But I am going to refuse the urge to do so and see if taking a month from peeing on ovulation strips helps and try to listen to my body in hopes it will tell me when its time to conceive.
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