I want to start this off with saying I love my kids. I really do. They are the light of my life. They make me whole. They give me a headache and make me contemplate my life choices often, but I love my kids and wouldn’t change them for the world. But after I had my daughter Bex I was in complete denial. My OB/GYN asked “how are you feeling” in which I would respond…I feel great. I finally have my rainbow baby and nothing anyone can say will take this moment from me. I read the books about postpartum and how some mothers after they have their baby and their hormones get back to a normal level don’t want anything to do with their child. But I wasn’t that mom. I was the opposite. I wanted EVERYTHING to do with my child. I just didn’t want YOU to have anything to do with her.
Yep, you read that right…. you. I didn’t want anyone holding her, or feeding her, or changing her. She was my baby…. all MINE. What I didn’t realize is that I did in fact have a form of postpartum. Just not the one you read about. And I was too prideful to ask for help from my OB. ‘what if they take my baby’, ‘what if my husband leaves me’ or my favorite thought was ‘what if she dies when I’m not there and I lose another child’. Yes, all of those thoughts ran across my mind on a DAILY BASIS [please note I am using caps lock to emphasis that I am raising my voice in excitement]. So, when I finally had the nerve to tell the doc what was happening in my head, she invited me in and had an honest conversation with me. Like let’s be honest, I should not have been surprised that I had PPD. I mean I suffer from depression on a daily basis and it runs in my family…so it was like a given that I would get it. But still, I was in denial. My doc prescribed me anti-depressants and that helped tremendously, but what I wish I would have done first was therapy. Like sit in a room with someone and talk about my feelings and why I am depressed in the first place. Medication to get you through the day is great and sometimes as women we have to do what we need to do to get out of bed. But we also have to deal with the underlining issue too. Why am I depressed? Why don’t I want anyone to touch my baby? Why does this exact moment make me want to stay in bed and cry? Why am I eating my feelings? Yes, the meds will block out all of the negative thoughts, but if we figure out why we have those thoughts in the first place we can deal with it instead of turning to a drug to mask it.
I know I went on a whole tangent with this one. But moral of the story: Post-Partum is real and there is nothing wrong with you for having it. And if you don’t want to talk to your doctor about, you can talk to me. I’ve watched enough Grey’s Anatomy episodes to have a PHD [total sarcasm…] But in all seriousness please seek help. As mothers, we really need to stick together and support each other especially once you've had a baby. So please, please reach out to me either via email, direct message on Instagram or on Facebook if you are a new mother or have a toddler and just need someone to talk to who gets it. I will never judge you 😊
